Saw an old classmate today she is pregnant and married. Yes, married at 21. This like hearing of so many other acts of procreation I reacted to with shock and even denial. I hadn't asked myself why I was so shocked and denying this news of pregnancies and kids until today. Why have I reacted with such shock it is nearly dismay, awe, and disbelief is because I am being hit with news of responsibility, benchmarks of adulthood. I can and have held multiple responsibilities at once with little problem at most, no, it's just that I had planned on living my life to the fullest in my twenties (this apart of the old plan I had for myself that got horridly mangled and destroyed by the unexpected curveballs in my life). Now I am trying to ride my life to it's most shameful drunken unabashed perk -as according to my new plan- but all the news of babies and marriage hold a mirror to me. Then I am forced to ask, "Am I being childish at the wrong time?"

For years, I have been the straight-A kissup until high school when the curveballs started to hit then after high school pummel me, forgiving. I have been the pillar and glue for anyone else when will I have another chance to immerse myself once self-denied debauchery and recklessness? When will I have another chance to makeup for all those years of studying and taking care of my mother (she was highly emotionally unstable in my youth as compare to now) and playing peacemaker to a family that still thinks my introvertness is an act! Will I ever reclaim those bygone years? On the other hand, must I dawn my responsibilities one final time, for all time 'til death? Must I put my long sadden inner-child out of his misery? Need I make up for years long gone?

I do feel rather silly and awkward as this man-child.

I understand completely. I was a straight A student in school as well and spent the majority of the time studying. Due to circumstances at home, I started drinking when I was 15, so I guess I was a little reckless but after I graduated from business school...all I did was drink. It's the old making up for lost time and turning into an alcoholic in the process...lol....sad, I know. There's nothing wrong with wanting to live your life before you settle down. The key is to balance the fun with the responsibility. You need to take care of the things that are important to you before you settle down. Otherwise, you'll be living with the "I wish I could have done this" or "I should have..."